Neurologists struggle to regain equanimity after possible breakthrough

Not for the first time, the entire mindfulness industry and the world of contemplative neuro science is abuzz with rumors of scientific proof that contemplative practice holds the key to solving some of the most pressing issues of our troubled times.

“Certain forms of thinking changes the brain”, Lawrence Miser, jolly good professor at Richard M Nixon University, affirms. His excitement centres on a longstanding experiment known as the “Advanced Brain Interferometer Neurological Observatory” (informally known as “the very expensive machine that goes ping”) which uses state of the art technology to take really cool color images of the brain.

Miser says that he’s 99,9 % confident that new images prove that the part of our brain that helps process critical theory and irony, the inner amygdala, appears larger in people who are habitually engaging in discursive thinking.

normal-brain

Brain of non-meditating middle-manager (center-liberal)

brain-of-intellectual

Brain of non-meditating intellectual (socialist)

But what’s really interesting is what these images say about the brains of mindfulness practitioners:

They look the exact opposite!

Experienced meditators show more capacity for suppressing impulses towards critical thinking and independent, open-ended discursive cognition. In other words: meditators show a significantly lowered risk of getting lost in a thicket of views. Long-time mindfulness practitioners also appear virtually immune to subversive forms of rhetoric, such as humor, irony, teasing, and sarcasm.

“Now, these findings really just confirm what we’ve expected for a long time,” says Professor Miser. “That’s valuable in itself, but that’s not what makes us so excited.

brain-of-meditator

Brain of meditator (apolitical)

You see, what we also found was that subjects exposed to MBSR or similar programs for more than a couple of weeks become considerably less prone to engage in activism. On the other hand, they tend to be extremely aggressive and trigger-happy when faced with a perceived threat to their newly acquired belief system. When someone mocks their faith in mindfulness, for example, these subjects show cortisol, testosterone, and adrenaline levels of the kind you’d expect in a raving lunatic. And this means we can expect a renewed interest from the military to invest in the Mindful Sniper™ Program, which in turn will guarantee continued funding for our lab here.”

 

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9 thoughts on “Neurologists struggle to regain equanimity after possible breakthrough

  1. I am SO glad to see that true representatives of the establishment such as the esteemed Miser are finally using their machines, lights and words to bring mysticism the mainstream acceptance it deserves. Let us pray this research will lead to both systems AND seminars.

  2. Amen mind without walls. I pray fervently too for such an outcome. One question Master Tutteji… I notice the difference between the socialist brain and the certre-liberal one is quite pronounced. As to be expected the center–liberal is peanuts . Imagine the size of chomskys…Laruelles. … wonder where brother Bernie falls on the cognitive/political spectrum?

  3. Praise be that brother Bernie has managed to transcend and include that 74-year old rumpled, grumpy, self-described old school democratic socialist—smelly old socialist fart that he was. Many great things are afoot Master. Sigh.

  4. Quit wasting everyone’s time with all this mindfulness meditaiton crap! Changing the brain doesn’t require any “practice” or “certain kinds of thinking.” If you want to maximize the natural flow of the one eternal substrate of reality (to put it in laymen’s terms, if you want to move exchange value into your bank account), stop all this spiritual practice already. There’s a pill for that!
    http://www.bloomberg.com/news/articles/2014-05-08/traders-scan-brains-in-hunt-for-profit-enlarging-pill
    You guys will have to catch up with the neuroscience if you want to stay at the cutting edge of spiritual entrepreneurship!

    • Thanks for the link! This is super exciting, and I already feel the unmistakable foreshocks of a major shift in our collective mind-and-market evolution. Now, all we need to do is find a way to spiritualize this wonderful pill.

      • That sounds like Zen sickness, Tom. You can’t always speak from the position of the Absolute. Fundamentally, there is only this One Market. But as entrepreneurs, we’re acting within the relative, in the realm of gain and loss, hausse and baisse, free market economies and oppressive communist states. What’s more, we’ve spent decades preparing the US and European mass markets for Buddhist products and services and I’d hate to see all that work be in vain. So this wonderful pill has to be buddhized, somehow. I wonder if they could be marketed as Tibetan pills that give blessings and protection.

  5. Holy Dorky Shunden This is wonderful news! Wonderful. Perhaps you can persuade our beloved Donald to take both at once. What power the Tibetan pills would add to his campaign by portraying him as the compassionate manifestation of HARD love. And the other pills can only improve his cash flow ..ah I so love to hear him chant that wonderful Mantra of the next stage of the mind/ market evolution… WE ARE GOING TO BUILD THAT WALL..WE ARE GOING TO BUILD THAT WALL!$$$$$$$$$$ AND GUESS WHO’S GOING TO PAY FOR IT

    Oh Master such wonderful times. I dearly love to contemplate your slyly smiling countenance . Such buddhistic devilishness …I bet you can see what’s coming, can’t you Master? Not like that grinning fool in the orange robe and horribly thick glasses.Yuk!

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